how do you go beyond complex trauma?
i had a rough childhood. but i know a lot of others did, too. this is not an excuse.
as an adult in her 30s now, i am still reeling from the things that have happened to me over the last 20β25 years. i've been in therapy β on and off β for 8 years.
i decided to "quit" therapy a few months ago. i've never been medicated, not for a meaningful time anyway. i raw-dog my life and my emotions.
and tonight, at almost 10pm, i'm grabbing a smoke in the balcony of this beautiful home i've built with a friend of mine.
things on the surface are good.
but my mind never seems to stop. it never stops. i'm always β how you say β spiralling. crashing out. it always feel like i'm one event away from falling down further and further, endlessly.
i try and be good, sometimes. i try and be stable. i've never seen stability in my life. some friends say when you've never had, your nervous system doesn't know how to handle it. and so it creates chaos. because familiarity trumps everything else.
i keep wondering if that is what is happening, now.
and i keep wondering.
sometimes, i don't want to wonder so much. i want to just be. want and reality, as i am often reminded in this context, are very far apart.
how do you go beyond complex trauma? when does it get...better? but it has gotten better, and so, when does it get... better?
Not All in Your Head, Parm K.C.